Letting things slip in

I’m a bit annoyed at myself for doing something I didn’t want to just to get a guy’s attention. Unfortunately horniness beat out common sense and I bottomed for the guy. It was a lot of fun, a very hot encounter, and the guy even wants to catch up again for coffee. This doesn’t happen very often! But I still feel wrong for caving in instead of sticking to my guns and being consistent to myself.

Just struggling

Since last weekend I’ve been blue. I saw a glimpse of what I wanted both the man I once wanted and a man happy in love the way I want to be.

On Saturday night I ran into the first guy whoever broke my heart and spent the rest of the night thinking how the companions I was with didn’t quite accept me for me.

On Sunday I spent the day with a guy who did accept me. We had a great time. But he was so much in love with someone, that it showed me what I was missing out on.

To see what I want, to be reminded what I’m missing out on, it’s been too much and I’ve not been able to process it properly.

Knock Offs

For the second time lately I’ve spent time with a guy and had a really good time. Unfortunately it was a straight guy. More unfortunetly, despite knowing this going in, I’ve felt worse afterwards.

I’m shown a glimpse of what it would be like to have a boyfriend to spend time with. Then I realise it’s not like that at all. It’s all fake. It’s just time with a mate that can be nothing more than that.

Why can’t I find a gay guy I can spend time with like this? Where there is the potential for more than just two mates hanging out. Where love’s embers could start to burn.

Gambling

In the spirit of having a gamble last night I added a guy who thought I was hot to msn without seeing any photos of him first. The odds that a guy who doesn’t have photos of himself available publically on a dating/hookup site is going to be someone I find attractive continue not to work in my favour. Apparently some people continue to tell me think I’m wrong for thinking looks are important in a guy I want to date. But really who are they kidding? Of course looks matter when you’re looking for a boyfriend.

I think I’ve been too nice, and well “no good deeds go unpunished”. I feel like I shouldn’t be nice anymore, if I hurt someone’s feelings, well tough! My feelings are hurt enough too and I don’t want to waste my time politely chatting to someone who’s tried to deceive me or trick me.

Another view

Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way.

Maybe I should be talking about the cute italian guy in suit and tie at the beat yesterday who let me stroke his nice sized uncut cock and fondle his large smooth balls. He shot a nice load of cum as I jerked his cock. He was there again today and I played with him some more and got to see his lean smooth chest as well. He’s a guy I’d be happy to see there everytime I visit, athough he’s not great on the recipriocal thing.

Is that what how I should be viewing my actions?

Just once more… yeah right

I’m hurting myself with the credo “just once more, then I will stop” and it’s brother “After X, I won’t do it any more”.

How many times have I (and others) said that, and yet continued to pursue whatever behaviour they want to stop, repeating that line.

The replacement should be “I’ve stopped doing that” or “I won’t do that anymore”.

The therapist I was seeing earlier in the year would say I should not beat myself up for what doing things that are quite normal. I should accept that I slipped up and just move on.

But I don’t do that well, particularly when I think of all the things I’m only doing because I don’t have a boyfriend, and how I am hurting my chances of that goal because of the things I’m doing.

Banner dissected

In the banner for this site I tried to highlight some of my interests and what I thought I might blog about, so it includes:

Male couple: what I’d like most of all (and Scott McGregor is cheap)
Lara Croft: video games (and one of my favourite game series)
Jake Gyllenhaal: adorable (and I like movies)
Jim Halpert: in animated form (and I like to think I’m the Jim in my office)
Gratuitous male torso: i like hot men
Iceman: comic reader, and this is my favourite superhero from favourite series
Clive Owen: I like movies (and adorable)
Sailor Venus: manga/anime interest (and my favourite of the Sailor Scouts, a teenage favourite series)
Sideswipe: a favourite Transformer (and my number one hobby)
Ed Kavalee: local guy made good that I think would be a great match for me if he was gay
Snow White and the Big Bad Wolf: From Fables, a favourite comic series.

Same comments

It’s always the same sort of comments I hear back when I complain about being single, be it in blog, in forum, with therapist.

And it never helps.

What will help?

Someone who notices all of my good aspects (and maybe one or two of the bad ones) and still wants to date me, while I feel the same about him.

I should be happy at the moment, excited even, but it’s all being dampened by guys throwing their girlfriends in my face and the long cold lonely nights where I have no one to cuddle with.

Seasonal affective disorder

I spent a month in Springtime and a few days in Summer in the Northern Hemisphere. Than I come back to the Southern Hemisphere to the darkest days of Winter.

I think that quite possibly I’m affected by Seasonal affective disorder. I’ve not been all that all happy this last week.

At first I had a cold so that wasn’t helping, but that’s cleared up and it’s no better.

I’m unhappy at home, unhappy at work. I feel lonely and unwanted.

“Symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities”.

Yep that sounds like how I’m feeling today.

The thing is I felt this way before my holiday too.

Maybe I was just so busy over the four weeks I was away to notice that under the surface the same unhappiness was still there?

Or maybe I was really happy while I was away and it’s the thought of returning to my unhappy work/home/lack of love life in Melbourne that’s got me down, not just the short cold days.

I don’t really know or where to get the answers.

Changes

Over the next few months, I’d like to:
* lose enough weight to have a slender waist
* work out what my new career path should be
* find a nice new apartment to live in
* meet a nice guy and start dating him

What actually will happen? I don’t know, but I think these are good goals to have.