Not too eager

After work tonight I thought about leaving some work farewell drinks to go attend the farewell work drinks for the guy I’ve been seeing. I thought it would be a nice surprise for him.

But then I thought it would be too eager. I wouldn’t be playing it cool. I’m seeing him tomorrow. Don’t smother him.

If he’d invited me I surely would have gone down, but without an actual invite I’ve left him to his fun.

I mean if we were actually boyfriends, than yes it’s a thing a boyfriend should attend. But we’re not quite at that stage yet. No need to jump ahead.

Yeah. I think I’m pretty happy with the result tonight.

Sleepless mornings

I woke up this morning at 5:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I felt really anxious and stressed and hot and cold and just a mess.

Nothing seemed right. I felt like running away from all the things I have to do. I felt like getting rid of all the ’stuff’ I have. I felt like I’m in desperate need for change.

I was reviewing houses and stuff yesterday and thinking about where I get my home loan from. Now I wonder if other people have the right idea and take off overseas or interstate.

Last week my libido was high, but yesterday and today it seems to have cooled right back down again. Is it because of the change in the weather from hot to cool again?

Or did the date on Saturday night give me back some self-esteem I was so lacking last week.

And if I have the self-esteem back why the sleepless morning?

Like yourself

Why don’t I love myself more? Why don’t I look in the mirror and say that’s good.

You’d think that if people kept giving me compliments on my appearance I’d eventually believe them.

I don’t know why I don’t. It’s nice to hear but I don’t take it in.

People keep saying I’ve got to love myself before others will love me.

My work at the gym is improving my body a bit which is making me a bit more confident but I still have a long long way to go before I’ll take my shirt off in public.

And much further before I will take the compliments offered to me and not dismiss them offhand.

Meltdown

Wow I did not have a good day today.

I’m not proud of anything I did or said today.

I’m not proud of ignoring my gut reaction and running back out of fear.

I hate that I’ve been sending mixed signals and ruining my chances.

Could we just pretend this day didn’t happen?

Quick but nice

My recent posts may confuse people, and I think a couple of them may be deleted to put my recent dating experience into proper perspective.

In quick dot point summary
1. I met someone online and after a good chat decided to meet him
2. A successful meeting led to a date a fortnight later
3. That date went better and was followed up by several more dates
4. Which led to a planned weekend together that ended up being shortened to one day
5. However there were some compatibility issues
6. So now we pursuing a friendship instead, cause apart from the compatibility issue we click extremely well

Now I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I did a lot of relationship building work and having to start from scratch again is daunting. Looking at other potentials is something I’ve been doing but no one is right (like the guy with an unsafe sex request).

The recent dating has also shown me that in some ways I’m not quite ready for a full on relationship either. I really need my own place to live so I am free to have a boyfriend visit (and visit him) whenever I want.

Either way, I’m a little sad, a little disappointed, by my dating experience has risen, I’m clearer on what I want in a relationship, I feel more confident I can have a relationship, and I have a new friend who might even help me on that way.

Plans change

Plans change. Things don’t happen exactly as I thought they might. Not in a bad way though, just a different way.

I’m feeling very uncertain today. Which is a shame. It’s not what I wanted to be feeling today.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions but I have a feeling about where things are leading.

But I will try not to get ahead of myself and just keep taking it as it comes.

Off in the real world

I’ve not been posting much here because I’m actually out there seeing a real life guy multiple times. You could almost say I’m dating him.

And it’s exactly what I’ve needed for so long so I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Some good news at last.

On track… but

I am closer to my goal than I’ve ever been… but perhaps it is showing me that I’m not quite ready for it.

I am trying my very best to not over analyse everything… but doing it anyway.

I still have a lot to learn but my dating exp is increasing hugely.

Dressing up

Last night a conversation about working out at the gym turned into a discussion about the drag persona I would have if I ever did drag, and then got me thinking about a superhero costume.

My hairy chest, arms and legs discourage me from drag. As well as a general lack of desire of putting on makeup or women’s clothes. I can’t say never, but it’s not something I’m in a hurry to do.

I do have a great drag queen name chosen should I go down that path. I also have a porn star name chosen should I choose that vocation. Neither look at all likely!

But dressing up in butch drag is something I’m interested in: soldier, policeman, doctor, leatherman, etc.

However a superhero costume? I could really see myself wearing one of those: in the privacy of my own bedroom or a costume party that is.

As part of the fantasy-make-believe-world I sometimes escape to when bored, I’ve had what I consider costumes – variations of normal outfits I’d wear fighting crime. I’ve doodled these over the years, I think it’s time for a new one.

Caffeine free

I’m addicted to many things, and like most people caffeine is one of them. Are they going to outlaw it? They should. It’s a drug.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I’d gone with out my drug of choice and it was probably a good thing. Something I should do more often.

Despite the headache it caused me yesterday, I managed to make it through until lunchtime today before I just had to have some!

Now I kind of regret it but I should ween myself off slowly really. Cold turkey? Doesn’t really work for me.

I remembered more of my dreams this morning than usual. Perhaps it was a sounder sleep with less caffeine in my body. I particularly enjoyed having a dream where I was Spider-Man.

Sure sometimes I pretend I have his powers when I’m bored walking down the street and letting my mind run wild (doesn’t everyone? hmm maybe not!). But this was a full on dream, including webbing up a makeshift mask like Spidey does in the comics to hide my secret identity.

If I had the body I’d totally cosplay (which probably puts off some of the readers of this blog and excities some others!).