Tomorrow I’m going to get in the car and drive but I don’t know where I am going to go. I’m not going to head too far away, I plan to be home by tomorrow night.

I’m thinking tomorrow night I might attempt a night out on the scene. Not sure which side of the Yarra to head to though.

I want a plan and I just don’t have one.

What I’d really like to do? Spend the next four days in bed with someone. Shame I don’t have someone.

I keep thinking back to the last time I was happy: laying in bed with a guy and just being there with him and feeling content.

Looking at my meeting calendar and task list at work this morning, and the lack of leave days marked off on my wall calendar and I’m thinking I might take some time off.

It’s going to get busy later this year, very busy, so I might make the most of this momentary lull and have a long weekend with Thurs and Fri off.

I’m just trying to decide what I’ll do with the four day weekend. I am thinking I would like to get away somewhere but it’s very short notice to go stay anywhere. Phillip Island it out, too cold to go down there. Maybe a day trip instead?

Maybe I’ll ride one of the trains out to Bendigo or Ballarat for a day outing? Maybe a long car drive. I’d like to decide before I lock in the days off.

I’m wondering if I need a big sign that says: “single, gay man, say hello”. And I’m wondering if I need to wear it or if I need other gay men to wear it. It’s so annoying how many people don’t return my smiles or won’t look me in the eye.

I was thinking today that I used to think of that sign as “single, young and gay” but as I descend too quickly towards 30 I can’t really get away with that anymore.

Now it’s just getting more and more sad.

Wondering: So it’s Sunday morning. I’m awake at 930am. I want to go somewhere with a chance of meeting a man? Where do I go? What’s a good spot to go and grab a coffee and have the potential to meet someone? Where do the gay guys who don’t go clubbing all Saturday night hang out on a Sunday morning?

There was a farewell lunch today for one of my co-workers who’s been around since the start of the year. She wanted to go Yum Cha, and while I dislike that food, I wanted to go to show some support as she wasn’t leaving under the best of circumstances.

I was embarrassed at how the others could all use their chopsticks so easily. I played with my chopsticks a bit but I have no idea on how to use them properly. I never eat Chinese food. I got through by ordering some skewered fried chicken so I could use my fingers.

I’m really not an adventurous eater and really not a fan of asian food. I don’t mind some Thai dishes and well, basic rice.

One of my coworkers wanted a fork for the rice and I said I’d have one too, although I didn’t eat much of the rice as it was tossed through with a bunch of chunks of… something.

Trains were running late tonight and so they were packed, and after about ten minutes it really got to me. The trains are fine if they run on time, but each delay during peak just makes it worse and worse.

I was standing near the door on the train tonight because I couldn’t get any further into the carriage. I usually make an effort, pushing past people as needed, to stand in the middle of the aisles since I have a 30km trip and don’t need to hang at the door like those people who think they will never get out of the train if they don’t stand right at the door all the time.

I was reading okay but after ten minutes the crowd started to get to me. I started to feel hot, I started to feel squeezed in. I felt a scream building inside me. I needed people to just get away from me. A gap appeared and I moved in a bit but there still wasn’t the room I needed and I was forced back to the door at the next stop to let someone out.

The train emptied more and more as it went along but I never got a seat, which was okay as I didn’t want to sit next to or opposite anyone.

I’ve had feelings like this on a crowded train once before. It’s not surprising that people faint on these things.

The long of it: Last night I finally caught up with a former crush. Despite some emails back and forth it had been two and a half years since we really talked, and about two years since I’d seen him in real life.

Soon after he started working with me, I had developed a crush on him and all signs on my gaydar were pointing to gay. So much so that I was I was ready to ask him out, only to discover (just in time) that he was dating one of the girls we also worked with.

Tonight I caught up with the both of them and they are still madly happy together. I was a little nervous about how the night would go but it was really good.

I’d worked with both for some time and always liked her too (some mild jealously aside). We were all laughing lots and it was very comfortable. We shared a drink prior to the movie and some nice conversation.

I did give him some occasional admiring glances but I found that the desire I’d once had for him is so much less now. I still find him attractive but the memory of him as that “maybe gay co-worker I was attracted” was stronger than “committed heterosexual former co-worker” he actually is.

That said, I would still like to spend some more time with the couple as friends. It feels very grown up to have friends that have girlfriends and own houses.

Does make me wish I had the boyfriend to bring along too though.

The short of it: although it would have felt like a nice date if his girlfriend wasn’t there, it was still a very enjoyable evening out and the feelings I once had have lessened.

Friday night was going to be a boys’ night out on the town. Meet up after work, drink lots. That was the plan.

Thursday night though I got a text to say that the lead man in this night out had other plans for Friday so could it be Saturday night instead? Sure was my response although I preferred the idea of going out after work as it meant not having to travel back in to the city.

I had my haircut on Friday night in preparation and was doing an okay job of summoning the courage to not get too scared and back out. I thought I might go with the same intention I had last week of just going for an hour or too and if, like last time that stretched to five hours or more that would be good too.

But come lunchtime today though I got another message from the lead man saying he wasn’t feeling well so had to cancel.

So I’m still home and will have to wait for another opportunity, another invite.

I still have Monday night’s trip to the movies to look forward to I guess.

Last week I was hoping that I was going to go to the movies with a cute guy I quite fancy. And I was a little disappointed when it became clear it wasn’t happening and I went alone.

I followed up with him this week and he was indeed keen to go and it’s locked in for Monday night now.

The email I got tonight though has disappointed me a little bit though. His girlfriend is coming too. Well she wanted to and he asked if that was okay because he didn’t want to impose.

I know his girlfriend. I like his girlfriend. So that is okay.

(That’s not to say I wouldn’t mind it if he told me that they had broken up after he realised he was bisexual…)

In face it’s probably a good thing she’s coming, a constant reminder for me that while I’m spending some time with him, I’m never going to be with him.

I wonder if she suspects something in my intentions? I hope not. It’s been years since we all worked together and there’s only been a few emails between him and me in that time. That’s me being paranoid now I think.

That’s right, AEIOU!

Another obscure show that I’ve finally found online, three years after finding some images.

I have found my new ringtone.

Today at work I was invited to afternoon tea along with a bunch of other people as a thankyou for our help/work last week at the end of the submission process.

The lady in charge gave a long speech and I was waiting for her to thank me for my work. I was a bit embarrased by it but with all the time I spent on it last week, pulling off a feat that should have been impossible by some pretty nifty creative thinking I thought it was coming.

Turns out it wasn’t. I wasn’t thanked. Nor was my team nor my branch. Okay, I was a little disappointed but oh well. Back on my floor two of my colleagues who were at the afternoon tea with me spoke up about this. I was too humble to raise the topic, but it disappointing.

Apparently a couple of my branch’s managers are furious about this, and it’s a little humbling how much they think my work is worth. And that’s nicer than an outsider’s snub.

I did receive some thanks today from someone half the world away. She sent me an email because she’d found I had a copy of a very obscure TV show and asked if I could send her a copy. I didn’t ask for anything but the postage cost but she threw in a couple more dollars anyway.

She’s received the DVD now and thanked me for it. I was more than happy to share given how impossibly hard it was for me to find it. I ended up buying a Beta VCR so I could dub off the episodes from the Beta tapes I’ve had since 1985. I could have tried to recoup some of that cost, but I’m happier just to share the show around a bit.

A couple of week ago I bought a new pair of tracksuit pants the same size as my old favourite pair. I was a bit concerned with how tight they were when I put them on.

Wearing them around the house for a few weeks now (the reason I bought them) I have got used to the fit. The length is fine and they aren’t that tight that they are uncomfortable.

I figured the sizing must have changed, after all that happens all the time with t-shirts. I’m obviously a very casual guy in clothing and I don’t try on before I buy!

But last night I found out why they were tight. I hadn’t bought another pair of XL pants, I had in fact bought a pair of XS pants! I misread the tag or they were on the wrong hanger.

They are too worn in now to return and I’m comfortable enough that it doesn’t matter. I’m actually quite happy that I can wear an XS pair of pants okay.

It’s a sign that maybe my feelings of being overweight and more in my head than reality.

Way to go Terri. I would have preferred Ben to win because he spent every day in the house, but I’m happy that Terri did. She had an interesting character arc. She had interesting relationships with the other housemates. She was funny and I think she got a lot more out of the whole experience.

As for Rory, I don’t know what the other bloggers ever saw in him. Ben, I find attractive, but Rory ick. I don’t think Rory did much in the house and I was worried that he would be yet another blokey man winning the series.

As season finales go tonight’s wasn’t bad. The housemate dance was alright in my opinion. The in-house reunions were quite moving. The hosts should have either stuck to the

As series finales go it wasn’t great. Bringing back the past winners was nice but they clearly had nothing to talk to Trevor or Peter about. Who? Exactly because they were blokey guys who won through some sort of attrition. Ben, the first of theses, didn’t show and Sara-Marie filled in. The final clip show though was pretty good: so many housemates and events that I’ve watched.

After eight years of watching the show I will miss it.

It’s a cold day in Melbourne that started for me at 5am when I woke up from a dream about it raining heavily outside, to find it actually was raining heavily outside. It was a morning where getting out of bed was incredibly hard.

At lunchtime I wanted to go get something hot to eat but I controlled that urge. It’s so easy to eat badly in winter when all you want is something quick and hot and filling, but if I’m going to be able to take my shirt off when summer comes along I need to control.

That said the tuna salad I had for a late lunch did not hit the spot and my stomach is rumbling at 4pm.

Alice and Travis evicted? Say it isn’t so! Of the final five I was hoping Rory would go tonight as he’s the one housemate I don’t want to win. Out of the remaining three housemates? Go Terri for the win!

I’m looking forward to a quieter week at work this week. I’m having a half-day one day, as requested by my boss. The new TV ads have started so it will be interesting to see if they have any impact on our website.

I was supposed to return some library books tomorrow but I’ve not got around to finishing them so I just renewed them online. Instead tomorrow I will return some stuff to the Big W store after buying them cheaper today and claim back $10.

Another thing to do this week is eat less. I was a bit concerned when I looked in the mirror this afternoon and saw excess under my chin. I don’t know if this is an age thing or a weight thing, but I’m not happy with it.

After a painful two weeks at work, getting out last night was pretty good. I was supposed to catch up with a friend last week but he canceled and suggested I join him and another of his friends from Uni last night instead.

I remembered the other guy from Uni but from one class. I wasn’t that keen and I spent a lot of yesterday thinking I’m too tired and I don’t know this person, do I really want to do this?

So I decided to go through with it but just for a couple of hours. I met my friend at 7pm and I left at 11:45 so that was a pretty good effort for just a few hours.

We had a drink at the pub first, then went to eat at 8pm when the other turned up. Then we went back to the pub where we were joined by my friend’s girlfriend.

I didn’t drink much since I was driviing home, only two light beers. I enjoyed the night out though. Looks like we’re having a big boys night next week too while the girlfriend is interstate.

It kind of feels like I’m finally catching up on what I should have been doing ten years ago. Sadly it’s still a straight crowd, but it’s a few steps closer.

1000 documents down, another 1000 to go tomorrow. We made the MX which I’m going to clip and pin on my office wall. It’s been frustrating in some ways, but the problem solving aspect has been fun. I worked out a process that involved seven different applications, some macros and much cut and pasting. Although complicated it sped up the process amazingly. Tomorrow should be a bit easier. I’m looking forward to the weekend.

Big Brother meanwhile heads towards the finish line. The house is lacking energy as the house gets bigger with only four within it (and Ben still out in the kombi) and the rain dampening their activities. They are now, quite clearly, just treading time until they get out.

BB’s resorted to teasing the removal of the treadmill (for a reward for Terri) to create tension and thus drama. It worked really well actually. I thought it was interesting that Rory suggested they perform a play as a trade off for Terri getting her care package. Of course BB was going to go for it - it gave something to fill up time in the daily show.