The grass isn’t greener

Taking some advice I was given yesterday I tried meeting someone new today. It didn’t give me any sort of confidence that there are better or other guys out there.

Not that the guy was awful, but I just wasn’t interested. Almost instantly I knew it and as he talked about himself for the whole lunch, asking me scarce questions about myself, it just reconfirmed it for me.

And it made me miss the guy I have been seeing much more. He’s not perfect but he’s much better than every guy I’ve ever had a failed date with before.

Maybe I should just be happy with him for now.

Woken

I woke up at 5am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. The same lonely thoughts running through my head.

In comparison to the guy I’ve been seeing I have so little experience. I have so few friends. He’s had so much more life than I have.

It’s no real surprise that he’s not got the same desire that I do. That he’s not in the same sort of rush as I am. That he doesn’t think about me the same way I think about him.

Because he doesn’t need to. If he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to him or him or him. If wants to go out somewhere he can go with him or her or him.

It’s possibly impossible for anyone to want me as much as I’d want him.

Still some more physical affection wouldn’t go astray. Some more passion. Some more desire.

And maybe I’d sleep better.

Monday blues

After a really Saturday, I had a pretty average Sunday and an even worse Monday. I did not have enough sleep and the sleep I did have was full of bad dreams.

I spent the day at work feeling fat, unpopular and stuck (both at home and in the current job).

I left work early but had to go home (which is part of my current upset). No point sitting on the computer too long tonight.

I don’t really feel like doing anything actually. An early night would be good but I can’t go to bed before 11am at the earliest.

Not too eager

After work tonight I thought about leaving some work farewell drinks to go attend the farewell work drinks for the guy I’ve been seeing. I thought it would be a nice surprise for him.

But then I thought it would be too eager. I wouldn’t be playing it cool. I’m seeing him tomorrow. Don’t smother him.

If he’d invited me I surely would have gone down, but without an actual invite I’ve left him to his fun.

I mean if we were actually boyfriends, than yes it’s a thing a boyfriend should attend. But we’re not quite at that stage yet. No need to jump ahead.

Yeah. I think I’m pretty happy with the result tonight.

Sleepless mornings

I woke up this morning at 5:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I felt really anxious and stressed and hot and cold and just a mess.

Nothing seemed right. I felt like running away from all the things I have to do. I felt like getting rid of all the ’stuff’ I have. I felt like I’m in desperate need for change.

I was reviewing houses and stuff yesterday and thinking about where I get my home loan from. Now I wonder if other people have the right idea and take off overseas or interstate.

Last week my libido was high, but yesterday and today it seems to have cooled right back down again. Is it because of the change in the weather from hot to cool again?

Or did the date on Saturday night give me back some self-esteem I was so lacking last week.

And if I have the self-esteem back why the sleepless morning?

Plans change

Plans change. Things don’t happen exactly as I thought they might. Not in a bad way though, just a different way.

I’m feeling very uncertain today. Which is a shame. It’s not what I wanted to be feeling today.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions but I have a feeling about where things are leading.

But I will try not to get ahead of myself and just keep taking it as it comes.

Off in the real world

I’ve not been posting much here because I’m actually out there seeing a real life guy multiple times. You could almost say I’m dating him.

And it’s exactly what I’ve needed for so long so I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Some good news at last.

On track… but

I am closer to my goal than I’ve ever been… but perhaps it is showing me that I’m not quite ready for it.

I am trying my very best to not over analyse everything… but doing it anyway.

I still have a lot to learn but my dating exp is increasing hugely.

25 Aug to 31 Aug

Goal #2 complete: deleted guys from my msn contact list that I’ve spent far too long hoping would suddenly like me the way I want them to.

Workout clothes. Towels. Soap. Water bottle. Runners. No excuses or putting the gym off til tomorrow. I’m ready to go today.

Booked time in my calendar to go to the gym this afternoon… and then fears of wild weather mean we’re being sent home early!

Goal #3 (Work out at the new gym) complete. Not sure about this during the working day thing though, I think end of the day will be better.

Really didn’t make the most of the “go home early” pass at work today, but did get home before the hail hit which was good.

Watched two movies on DVD tonight. Feels kind of indulgent to so this on a Tuesday night. Neither was that good though.

“Suburban Girl” was not a good movie but it has me thinking about dating an older man (if I can find a Baldwin?!?)

Hmm. Not so sure about my results in the gym fitness assessment. Nothing ‘bad’ but nothing in ‘average’. Guess I’ll be there everyday then!

Nice healthy lunch. Gym session. Feeling rather unstressed about work now compared to this morning.

My body clock has been one day ahead all week. Isn’t it Saturday today? Oh well, Gym again today to continue the reset of my body.

Decided “Heart Start” would be a better class to do today than “Abs and Stretch”. I hope I’m happy, now that I’m choosing this.

I don’t live to regret it, but wow that was a tough class! I am spent.

19 months after I bought FFXII I am finally playing it. Amazed it’s been on my shelf that long!

Did a lot of running around today chasing after things and got nothing in the end.

Off to the gym to go through a workout plan. Still have sore limbs from Friday though.

Must not look at the naked men in the work gym change rooms. Must not look! (But definitely stuff worth looking at!)

Catching up

I could not get online on Sunday which annoyed me. Apparently it was a nationwide problem with Bigpond as I learnt when, after three hours trying to connected, I rang up and put up with their automated system to get an answer.

Monday night I wasn’t online long because I was out seeing the taping of two episodes of Spicks and Specks. I had a great time, laughed so much, the episodes are on in the next two weeks.

Last night I tried out our new wireless connection which does work well and have one less wire is nice.

Tonight it took me two hours to get home due to a fatal accident on the line. The cause makes it hard to be angry about it. I took two buses instead to get home which was good practice for my return to LA and their bus system next month.

I’m still waiting to hear again from Kitt who I caught up with on Friday. I am a little concerned I did something wrong again but I have to wait and see.

Off to work early tomorrow for a demonstration off site.