Wow I did not have a good day today.
I’m not proud of anything I did or said today.
I’m not proud of ignoring my gut reaction and running back out of fear.
I hate that I’ve been sending mixed signals and ruining my chances.
Could we just pretend this day didn’t happen?
I am on heat and all over the place.
Cruising the online personal websites almost non stop since Sunday. Flirting up a storm on msn. Cruising in the real world. Flirting with the guy I’ve been seeing.
It can’t end well.
And it hasn’t.
I’m very disappointed and a little upset that the date I though I was having on Saturday is now officially not a date, now that as he made other plans.
I’ve wasted a lot of time when I should be working. I’ve wasted most of my monthly internet usage allowance.
So now I’ve got… nothing again?
Everything I do has a simple cause. I want to be noticed, I want attention. I want a lot of attention. Says a lot about me doesn’t it.
Can I ever be happy with anyone when I am so needy?
I am starting to regret this break. This past weekend was the first in weeks when I didn’t see him. I felt very lonely.
So now I think: should I forget the things that put me off? Can I get past them or ignore them? Can I trade what I really want for something that fills the void somewhat if not 100%.
I shouldn’t have to compromise. There’s plenty of fish in the sea right? I tell myself I only feel this way because he was the first guy in ages. Doesn’t mean he’ll be the only one.
I risk losing the only gay friend I’ve made in ages by leading him on and using him to reduce my lonliness. If I’m not honest with him and myself I’m not doing either of us any good, only band-aiding my problem not curing it.
I have to be strong. I have to look for another guy to be my boyfriend, despite how daunting it is to start from scratch again.
My recent posts may confuse people, and I think a couple of them may be deleted to put my recent dating experience into proper perspective.
In quick dot point summary
1. I met someone online and after a good chat decided to meet him
2. A successful meeting led to a date a fortnight later
3. That date went better and was followed up by several more dates
4. Which led to a planned weekend together that ended up being shortened to one day
5. However there were some compatibility issues
6. So now we pursuing a friendship instead, cause apart from the compatibility issue we click extremely well
Now I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I did a lot of relationship building work and having to start from scratch again is daunting. Looking at other potentials is something I’ve been doing but no one is right (like the guy with an unsafe sex request).
The recent dating has also shown me that in some ways I’m not quite ready for a full on relationship either. I really need my own place to live so I am free to have a boyfriend visit (and visit him) whenever I want.
Either way, I’m a little sad, a little disappointed, by my dating experience has risen, I’m clearer on what I want in a relationship, I feel more confident I can have a relationship, and I have a new friend who might even help me on that way.
I could really do with some sex…
And you are really good looking, have a very nice body…
And one of the biggest cocks I’ve ever played with…
But no thanks, I don’t do bareback sex.
Last night a conversation about working out at the gym turned into a discussion about the drag persona I would have if I ever did drag, and then got me thinking about a superhero costume.
My hairy chest, arms and legs discourage me from drag. As well as a general lack of desire of putting on makeup or women’s clothes. I can’t say never, but it’s not something I’m in a hurry to do.
I do have a great drag queen name chosen should I go down that path. I also have a porn star name chosen should I choose that vocation. Neither look at all likely!
But dressing up in butch drag is something I’m interested in: soldier, policeman, doctor, leatherman, etc.
However a superhero costume? I could really see myself wearing one of those: in the privacy of my own bedroom or a costume party that is.
As part of the fantasy-make-believe-world I sometimes escape to when bored, I’ve had what I consider costumes – variations of normal outfits I’d wear fighting crime. I’ve doodled these over the years, I think it’s time for a new one.
I think I may have been mistaken for a straight guy twice in the office lately. Or it could be that, for something with general low self esteem, I do have some weird ego as well.
The first time was pretty unobtrusive and a bit of a stretch. I crossed paths heading, back to my desk, with a guy and girl from a different team. I made a polite smile, so did she. The guy then made a crack to embarrass her which is very in character for that guy. She muttered to him how embarrassed she was with that and it made me wonder why so embarrassed unless she wanted me to have a good opinion of her…
Yeah, it’s a big stretch. But then another incident happened on Friday at farewell drinks at the end of the day.
I was standing around and have a chat to the guy in the office I’m most attracted to (shameless!). A girl came over I’d not met before to introduce herself to me. Hi, yeah, whatever, I’m thinking. The guy left us to chat elsewhere and she didn’t walk away, instead asking me more and more questions about myself. The point is I thought she’d come over to talk to the guy I was talking to… but it seems she left her group of women to come and talk to me.
I’m so not used to some stranger coming over and engaging me like this. She was looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. Maybe this too was all in my head.
It’s just so stupid though that my first instinct with every guy I meet is he’ll never like me. But if any woman talks to me I think she might be interested in me. It doesn’t really make sense.
Why do I think that no one could be interested in chatting to me without an ulterior motive?
I’m still not sure what’s going on after Sunday’s date. I have been thinking about it a lot but no brilliant flash of inspiration has come to me. Instead I keep trying to hope myself into wanting him more than I do.
So my weekend ahead is rather unplanned. There’s a bunch of stuff I would like to do, money I should probably save instead, and the feeling I should leave myself open for opportunities.
I was going to get my haircut tomorrow night but instead I’m thinking of waiting a week or so longer and doing more exploration of the idea of colouring my hair – for a change, a new look. It’s that or a relapse of Movember next month!
My experience is limited. My knowledge of love is lacking. But after a first date I should feel a bit more excited (Shouldn’t I?). I should be eager to see him again (Shouldn’t I?). I should be thinking about him a lot (Shouldn’t I?).
Not to get me wrong, it went alright, and I don’t dislike him, and I would spend time with him again, but I don’t feel anything stronger that that. Maybe that’s okay, but it is a little disappointing.
My heart should be a’flutter, shouldn’t it?
I keep seeing a guy on the same online personals site that I visit. I keep thinking this means that he’s single and available and looking. And so the temptation is back again.
But I’ve got to be realistic. He’s had his chances. I’ve made it very clear to him in the past that I’m interested and he’s given me the cold shoulder.
And I’ve told myself a dozen times to move on, ignore him, block him, delete him. But the temptation is hard to avoid and if he did make the first move (for once) I don’t think I could resist.
That’s unlikely though… given that apparently he’s not been free for lunch once in the past 8 months or something like that.
One of the two songs currently on the highest rotation on my iPod is “Get Out And Stay Out” (from 9 to 5 the Musical) and that’s got to be the motto I have when it comes to this guy. It’s of no help still being interested in him.
