Xmas and New Years are coming

Not much time left this year and I’m starting to think about what I’ll be doing for Xmas and New Years. So far it’s just going to be family stuff. No offers have come my way for anything else. No invites to this or that. I don’t even know that I’d want to take any offers or invites. Awkward time of year to start dating someone. Easy to feel left out of plans. Didn’t I learn this lesson back in 2005?

Sleepless mornings

I woke up this morning at 5:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I felt really anxious and stressed and hot and cold and just a mess.

Nothing seemed right. I felt like running away from all the things I have to do. I felt like getting rid of all the ’stuff’ I have. I felt like I’m in desperate need for change.

I was reviewing houses and stuff yesterday and thinking about where I get my home loan from. Now I wonder if other people have the right idea and take off overseas or interstate.

Last week my libido was high, but yesterday and today it seems to have cooled right back down again. Is it because of the change in the weather from hot to cool again?

Or did the date on Saturday night give me back some self-esteem I was so lacking last week.

And if I have the self-esteem back why the sleepless morning?

Like yourself

Why don’t I love myself more? Why don’t I look in the mirror and say that’s good.

You’d think that if people kept giving me compliments on my appearance I’d eventually believe them.

I don’t know why I don’t. It’s nice to hear but I don’t take it in.

People keep saying I’ve got to love myself before others will love me.

My work at the gym is improving my body a bit which is making me a bit more confident but I still have a long long way to go before I’ll take my shirt off in public.

And much further before I will take the compliments offered to me and not dismiss them offhand.

Meltdown

Wow I did not have a good day today.

I’m not proud of anything I did or said today.

I’m not proud of ignoring my gut reaction and running back out of fear.

I hate that I’ve been sending mixed signals and ruining my chances.

Could we just pretend this day didn’t happen?

Quick but nice

My recent posts may confuse people, and I think a couple of them may be deleted to put my recent dating experience into proper perspective.

In quick dot point summary
1. I met someone online and after a good chat decided to meet him
2. A successful meeting led to a date a fortnight later
3. That date went better and was followed up by several more dates
4. Which led to a planned weekend together that ended up being shortened to one day
5. However there were some compatibility issues
6. So now we pursuing a friendship instead, cause apart from the compatibility issue we click extremely well

Now I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I did a lot of relationship building work and having to start from scratch again is daunting. Looking at other potentials is something I’ve been doing but no one is right (like the guy with an unsafe sex request).

The recent dating has also shown me that in some ways I’m not quite ready for a full on relationship either. I really need my own place to live so I am free to have a boyfriend visit (and visit him) whenever I want.

Either way, I’m a little sad, a little disappointed, by my dating experience has risen, I’m clearer on what I want in a relationship, I feel more confident I can have a relationship, and I have a new friend who might even help me on that way.

Dressing up

Last night a conversation about working out at the gym turned into a discussion about the drag persona I would have if I ever did drag, and then got me thinking about a superhero costume.

My hairy chest, arms and legs discourage me from drag. As well as a general lack of desire of putting on makeup or women’s clothes. I can’t say never, but it’s not something I’m in a hurry to do.

I do have a great drag queen name chosen should I go down that path. I also have a porn star name chosen should I choose that vocation. Neither look at all likely!

But dressing up in butch drag is something I’m interested in: soldier, policeman, doctor, leatherman, etc.

However a superhero costume? I could really see myself wearing one of those: in the privacy of my own bedroom or a costume party that is.

As part of the fantasy-make-believe-world I sometimes escape to when bored, I’ve had what I consider costumes – variations of normal outfits I’d wear fighting crime. I’ve doodled these over the years, I think it’s time for a new one.

Sorry my dear, you may have confused me for a straight man

I think I may have been mistaken for a straight guy twice in the office lately. Or it could be that, for something with general low self esteem, I do have some weird ego as well.

The first time was pretty unobtrusive and a bit of a stretch. I crossed paths heading, back to my desk, with a guy and girl from a different team. I made a polite smile, so did she. The guy then made a crack to embarrass her which is very in character for that guy. She muttered to him how embarrassed she was with that and it made me wonder why so embarrassed unless she wanted me to have a good opinion of her…

Yeah, it’s a big stretch. But then another incident happened on Friday at farewell drinks at the end of the day.

I was standing around and have a chat to the guy in the office I’m most attracted to (shameless!). A girl came over I’d not met before to introduce herself to me. Hi, yeah, whatever, I’m thinking. The guy left us to chat elsewhere and she didn’t walk away, instead asking me more and more questions about myself. The point is I thought she’d come over to talk to the guy I was talking to… but it seems she left her group of women to come and talk to me.

I’m so not used to some stranger coming over and engaging me like this. She was looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. Maybe this too was all in my head.

It’s just so stupid though that my first instinct with every guy I meet is he’ll never like me. But if any woman talks to me I think she might be interested in me. It doesn’t really make sense.

Why do I think that no one could be interested in chatting to me without an ulterior motive?

Resist temptation

I keep seeing a guy on the same online personals site that I visit. I keep thinking this means that he’s single and available and looking. And so the temptation is back again.

But I’ve got to be realistic. He’s had his chances. I’ve made it very clear to him in the past that I’m interested and he’s given me the cold shoulder.

And I’ve told myself a dozen times to move on, ignore him, block him, delete him. But the temptation is hard to avoid and if he did make the first move (for once) I don’t think I could resist.

That’s unlikely though… given that apparently he’s not been free for lunch once in the past 8 months or something like that.

One of the two songs currently on the highest rotation on my iPod is “Get Out And Stay Out” (from 9 to 5 the Musical) and that’s got to be the motto I have when it comes to this guy. It’s of no help still being interested in him.

Alone for now

Despite what other people tell me: I don’t think it’s possible to be happy by myself. It’s possible to be by oneself and be fine with that. Some time alone is fine, necessary, I don’t want to spend all my time with anyone. But I need to know that if I call or send a message I will get a response. I need other people to think about me, invite me, call me, accept me. And most of all I need to know someone can love me. I am someone that needs that external validation if only to counter the past 15 years of rejection. Give me that, let me see some proof that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life and I can live with smaller periods of alone time.

Same old song, one more time

I met someone two weeks ago. I hung out with him for a weekend. And now I have feelings but I’m not sure what they are, other than that they are the same confused and conflicted feelings I have all the time.

He’s straight and lives very far away so there’s no relationship potential there. There was no initial physical attraction either but by the end of the weekend there was some.

I think I’m reacting solely to the fact that there was a guy who liked me. Someone I didn’t have to work on impressing or try to win over. He just took me as a mate no questions asked.

And despite all the wanting for a boyfriend I do, a big part of it is wanting this feeling: that someone can like me for who I am.