Available Ed

The word on the radio this morning was that Mr Kavalee is single again. I hope that he gets over the breakup well.

And if he ever decides to change his preferences I am still available… Just sayin’ Ed…

New paths to take

The new photo on my online personal profiles must be doing the job. I’ve had more winks and messages in the past two days than I’ve had in the past two months.

I don’t know if there’s any potentials in there, but the attention is nice. The fact there’s a bit of choice helps me getting too worried about any individual guy being the one.

A problem is that I appreciate the comments, and “goddam you are cute” is a nice comment to get, I don’t assign a lot of credit to guys who haven’t me in person.

I’ll pick one or two and see how we go in real life, even if it’s only for the practice.

There is another guy on my radar that I have an interest in but as he’s a friend on facebook and twitter, and thus aware of all my desperation, I don’t think I have a chance with him at this moment until I get my confidence up.

And maybe a couple of guys wanting to have drinks with me will help me on that path

Reducing the unwatched

The DVD player is spinning like crazy tonight (yes I should be out and about on the scene but I’m fulfilling some family duties so I may as well do something like this).

I’ve sorted out some of my DVDs pulling to the top of the list a bunch of TV series which I’ve still got to watch (including Masterforce, Get Smart, Ally McBeal, ER and This Life). I’ve also got the first series of Curb Your Enthusiasm and At Last The 1948 Show from the library and a disc of True Blood from the Video shop.

There’s also some movie DVDs I’ve purchased but not watched yet, but I’ll got through the TV shows first. The pile helps to remind me why I am not buying any more DVDs at the moment.

And don’t even get me started on the pile of unread books which constantly reminds me why I’m not purchasing any books.

Weak end

The week ends tomorrow and my plans for the weekend? None. Zero interest from anyone I know has left me feeling rather down. I could head out but my confidence is very low I’m hardly going to attract anyone. I will go somewhere, I won’t be sitting around the house all weekend, but the odds of impressing anyone?

Work was a bit of a blur today, not helped as I checked my personal email inbox more often than my work one, hoping for someone to respond to my requests. I went down to the gym at the end of the day and pushed myself a bit harder but didn’t come away feeling any better.

I take the comments on board, I’m too desperate, I’m too lonely. I hear these things a lot as the reason I don’t have a boyfriend and they might apply to my lack of friends too. But just like the boyfriend issue it’s all circular: I can’t be happy by myself and no one wants to be with me because I’m not happy, so I can’t be happy…

The only solution I hear is “be happy by yourself” which is a polite way of saying “give up”. Exactly how being happy alone helps someone who’s biggest issue is loneliness, I just don’t understand.

Seat filler

I wouldn’t mind checking out both Chicago and the Trocks while they are in town. So I posed the question on Facebook this morning looking for a friend who’d want to come with me.

The response from the 100 or so people I know who are on Facebook has been completely silent.

So I’m asking friends to come and spend time with me and no one wants to. How can I expect a boyfriend to want to go out with me when my friends don’t want to?

It’s not like “I simply cannot do it alone” (ala Ms Velma Kelly) but I’d like to have friends to go out with. I’d like to have anyone to go out with!

Up

I woke this morning, earlier than I intended, and looked for some inspiration. No one answer my call on Facebook so I deleted it and went off the movies by myself.

I chose to see Up and was surprised to find myself in tears just minutes into the film.

When I was in the states there were lots of ads for Up and it came out while I was there, but has taken several months to come out here. I’d see many of the funny bits in those ads, and was happy to laugh at other moments that I hadn’t been exposed to before.

But there were three moments in the film, that made me all sad and emotional. The first of which triggered tears, the other two, later in the film, just brought me close to tears.

The adventure of love is something I’d like to have much more than a trip to South America in a flying house.

Other beds

It was warm last night as I went to bed and tried to get to sleep. The warmth triggered a memory in my half asleep state of laying in other beds trying to get to sleep. In quick succession I imagined myself back in the bed in the LA airport hotel, the Chicago hotel, my NY hotel and so on. It’s been three months since I came home from my month in the states but for a moment I felt I was right back there.

I wish I was actually.

I look forward to sleeping in a new bed again.

Desperate Men Do

Woke up this morning and had a want to hook up message from a stranger on one of the personal sites. He was close by so I said yes.

I then waited an hour for him to show up and he never did. Then he said he’d be another hour or two.

And didn’t I feel fucking stupid. I waited an hour for a stranger, whose face I’d never even seen, who only wanted the least amount of sex you can have an still call it sex.

I waited because I am a desperate fool and this one small offer, this one small sign of someone showing a sexual interest in me, Fhe only one I’ve had in a week, was enough for me to wait an embarassing hour for, in the end, nothing.

Without any help from my ‘friends’

I need this blog. I can’t express my real pain and lonliness on Facebook or Twitter without my so-called friends giving up on or ignoring me (or blocking me and yes I’m not over that yet).

I feel gagged. If I can’t be honest with my friends than are they really friends. I have to put on this fake “everything is fine and I’m happy” facade when it’s total bullshit.

I don’t know how more I can ask these ‘friends’ for help and not get any. I don’t know how to meet new potential friends when even the ones I’ve known longer aren’t interested.

Cleaning decks

The last week has been a week of hell, cultimating last night with me getting very little sleep and close to tears again.

I considered staying home from work today, but then I’d have to explain at home why I was so upset and I didn’t want to do that.

As I suspected though, I’m distracted and not really concentrating on work. I keep flipping between angry and sad.

My twitter account is gone. (I think I will set up a new one so I can read rather than post).

My livejournal is about to be deleted. (Just need to save some pics I have stored there)

I’ve defriended people from Facebook (if I’ve never met someone why should they be on my Facebook anyway?)

I’m considering trashing this blog as well, or setting it private or something.

I’ve tried to share what I’m going through but I can’t find anybody who really understands. No one wants to be the friend or boyfriend I need, and the only solution I can see right now is to hide my pain.

Too much of my desperation and loneliness and sadness is out there on the Internet. If I can remove it, hide it, disguise it, maybe I’ll have a chance to move on and find what I’m looking for.