Not as horny today, fewer mistakes made, but still feeling pretty generally unhappy, unfortunately.

Wow I did not have a good day today.

I’m not proud of anything I did or said today.

I’m not proud of ignoring my gut reaction and running back out of fear.

I hate that I’ve been sending mixed signals and ruining my chances.

Could we just pretend this day didn’t happen?

I am on heat and all over the place.

Cruising the online personal websites almost non stop since Sunday. Flirting up a storm on msn. Cruising in the real world. Flirting with the guy I’ve been seeing.

It can’t end well.

And it hasn’t.

I’m very disappointed and a little upset that the date I though I was having on Saturday is now officially not a date, now that as he made other plans.

I’ve wasted a lot of time when I should be working. I’ve wasted most of my monthly internet usage allowance.

So now I’ve got… nothing again?

Everything I do has a simple cause. I want to be noticed, I want attention. I want a lot of attention. Says a lot about me doesn’t it.

Can I ever be happy with anyone when I am so needy?

I am starting to regret this break. This past weekend was the first in weeks when I didn’t see him. I felt very lonely.

So now I think: should I forget the things that put me off? Can I get past them or ignore them? Can I trade what I really want for something that fills the void somewhat if not 100%.

I shouldn’t have to compromise. There’s plenty of fish in the sea right? I tell myself I only feel this way because he was the first guy in ages. Doesn’t mean he’ll be the only one.

I risk losing the only gay friend I’ve made in ages by leading him on and using him to reduce my lonliness. If I’m not honest with him and myself I’m not doing either of us any good, only band-aiding my problem not curing it.

I have to be strong. I have to look for another guy to be my boyfriend, despite how daunting it is to start from scratch again.  

My recent posts may confuse people, and I think a couple of them may be deleted to put my recent dating experience into proper perspective.

In quick dot point summary
1. I met someone online and after a good chat decided to meet him
2. A successful meeting led to a date a fortnight later
3. That date went better and was followed up by several more dates
4. Which led to a planned weekend together that ended up being shortened to one day
5. However there were some compatibility issues
6. So now we pursuing a friendship instead, cause apart from the compatibility issue we click extremely well

Now I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I did a lot of relationship building work and having to start from scratch again is daunting. Looking at other potentials is something I’ve been doing but no one is right (like the guy with an unsafe sex request).

The recent dating has also shown me that in some ways I’m not quite ready for a full on relationship either. I really need my own place to live so I am free to have a boyfriend visit (and visit him) whenever I want.

Either way, I’m a little sad, a little disappointed, by my dating experience has risen, I’m clearer on what I want in a relationship, I feel more confident I can have a relationship, and I have a new friend who might even help me on that way.

I could really do with some sex…

And you are really good looking, have a very nice body…

And one of the biggest cocks I’ve ever played with…

But no thanks, I don’t do bareback sex.

Plans change. Things don’t happen exactly as I thought they might. Not in a bad way though, just a different way.

I’m feeling very uncertain today. Which is a shame. It’s not what I wanted to be feeling today.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions but I have a feeling about where things are leading.

But I will try not to get ahead of myself and just keep taking it as it comes.

I’ve not been posting much here because I’m actually out there seeing a real life guy multiple times. You could almost say I’m dating him.

And it’s exactly what I’ve needed for so long so I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Some good news at last.

I am closer to my goal than I’ve ever been… but perhaps it is showing me that I’m not quite ready for it.

I am trying my very best to not over analyse everything… but doing it anyway.

I still have a lot to learn but my dating exp is increasing hugely.

It’s pretty much hard to believe that I’m going on a date tomorrow, and not only that a third date. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s kind of a wild ride and different to anything I’ve had before.

I’ve still got some doubts. I’m not feeling exactly what I think I should be feeling. I wonder if I’m actually trying to sabotage a potential point of happiness. Maybe somewhat happy is happy enough? Maybe I’ve been too brainwashed by popular culture into wanting something that no one (or only some people) actually get.

I don’t know but I will see how it develops.