Taking some advice I was given yesterday I tried meeting someone new today. It didn’t give me any sort of confidence that there are better or other guys out there.

Not that the guy was awful, but I just wasn’t interested. Almost instantly I knew it and as he talked about himself for the whole lunch, asking me scarce questions about myself, it just reconfirmed it for me.

And it made me miss the guy I have been seeing much more. He’s not perfect but he’s much better than every guy I’ve ever had a failed date with before.

Maybe I should just be happy with him for now.

I woke up at 5am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. The same lonely thoughts running through my head.

In comparison to the guy I’ve been seeing I have so little experience. I have so few friends. He’s had so much more life than I have.

It’s no real surprise that he’s not got the same desire that I do. That he’s not in the same sort of rush as I am. That he doesn’t think about me the same way I think about him.

Because he doesn’t need to. If he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to him or him or him. If wants to go out somewhere he can go with him or her or him.

It’s possibly impossible for anyone to want me as much as I’d want him.

Still some more physical affection wouldn’t go astray. Some more passion. Some more desire.

And maybe I’d sleep better.

Not much time left this year and I’m starting to think about what I’ll be doing for Xmas and New Years. So far it’s just going to be family stuff. No offers have come my way for anything else. No invites to this or that. I don’t even know that I’d want to take any offers or invites. Awkward time of year to start dating someone. Easy to feel left out of plans. Didn’t I learn this lesson back in 2005?

After a really Saturday, I had a pretty average Sunday and an even worse Monday. I did not have enough sleep and the sleep I did have was full of bad dreams.

I spent the day at work feeling fat, unpopular and stuck (both at home and in the current job).

I left work early but had to go home (which is part of my current upset). No point sitting on the computer too long tonight.

I don’t really feel like doing anything actually. An early night would be good but I can’t go to bed before 11am at the earliest.

After work tonight I thought about leaving some work farewell drinks to go attend the farewell work drinks for the guy I’ve been seeing. I thought it would be a nice surprise for him.

But then I thought it would be too eager. I wouldn’t be playing it cool. I’m seeing him tomorrow. Don’t smother him.

If he’d invited me I surely would have gone down, but without an actual invite I’ve left him to his fun.

I mean if we were actually boyfriends, than yes it’s a thing a boyfriend should attend. But we’re not quite at that stage yet. No need to jump ahead.

Yeah. I think I’m pretty happy with the result tonight.

I woke up this morning at 5:45 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I felt really anxious and stressed and hot and cold and just a mess.

Nothing seemed right. I felt like running away from all the things I have to do. I felt like getting rid of all the ’stuff’ I have. I felt like I’m in desperate need for change.

I was reviewing houses and stuff yesterday and thinking about where I get my home loan from. Now I wonder if other people have the right idea and take off overseas or interstate.

Last week my libido was high, but yesterday and today it seems to have cooled right back down again. Is it because of the change in the weather from hot to cool again?

Or did the date on Saturday night give me back some self-esteem I was so lacking last week.

And if I have the self-esteem back why the sleepless morning?

Why don’t I love myself more? Why don’t I look in the mirror and say that’s good.

You’d think that if people kept giving me compliments on my appearance I’d eventually believe them.

I don’t know why I don’t. It’s nice to hear but I don’t take it in.

People keep saying I’ve got to love myself before others will love me.

My work at the gym is improving my body a bit which is making me a bit more confident but I still have a long long way to go before I’ll take my shirt off in public.

And much further before I will take the compliments offered to me and not dismiss them offhand.

Wow I did not have a good day today.

I’m not proud of anything I did or said today.

I’m not proud of ignoring my gut reaction and running back out of fear.

I hate that I’ve been sending mixed signals and ruining my chances.

Could we just pretend this day didn’t happen?

My recent posts may confuse people, and I think a couple of them may be deleted to put my recent dating experience into proper perspective.

In quick dot point summary
1. I met someone online and after a good chat decided to meet him
2. A successful meeting led to a date a fortnight later
3. That date went better and was followed up by several more dates
4. Which led to a planned weekend together that ended up being shortened to one day
5. However there were some compatibility issues
6. So now we pursuing a friendship instead, cause apart from the compatibility issue we click extremely well

Now I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I did a lot of relationship building work and having to start from scratch again is daunting. Looking at other potentials is something I’ve been doing but no one is right (like the guy with an unsafe sex request).

The recent dating has also shown me that in some ways I’m not quite ready for a full on relationship either. I really need my own place to live so I am free to have a boyfriend visit (and visit him) whenever I want.

Either way, I’m a little sad, a little disappointed, by my dating experience has risen, I’m clearer on what I want in a relationship, I feel more confident I can have a relationship, and I have a new friend who might even help me on that way.

Plans change. Things don’t happen exactly as I thought they might. Not in a bad way though, just a different way.

I’m feeling very uncertain today. Which is a shame. It’s not what I wanted to be feeling today.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions but I have a feeling about where things are leading.

But I will try not to get ahead of myself and just keep taking it as it comes.