Went out last night. Had a good time. Still not sure how it’s going. But I feel happy. I feel like I want to spend more time with him. Just going with it.
And in other news, the boss (several levels above me that is) I have a crush on has added me as a friend on facebook. Accept or Deny? Hard decision!
With the promise of a second date this weekend (even if I’m not sure about how much I want it to be a date rather than just a mate date) I’ve been hitting the gym. A lot. Four times in four days. This is a huge increase in what I’ve been doing in the past weeks, and a huge increase in what I was doing a few months ago. Hopefully it all pays off. I’m already happier with my arms.
Last night a conversation about working out at the gym turned into a discussion about the drag persona I would have if I ever did drag, and then got me thinking about a superhero costume.
My hairy chest, arms and legs discourage me from drag. As well as a general lack of desire of putting on makeup or women’s clothes. I can’t say never, but it’s not something I’m in a hurry to do.
I do have a great drag queen name chosen should I go down that path. I also have a porn star name chosen should I choose that vocation. Neither look at all likely!
But dressing up in butch drag is something I’m interested in: soldier, policeman, doctor, leatherman, etc.
However a superhero costume? I could really see myself wearing one of those: in the privacy of my own bedroom or a costume party that is.
As part of the fantasy-make-believe-world I sometimes escape to when bored, I’ve had what I consider costumes – variations of normal outfits I’d wear fighting crime. I’ve doodled these over the years, I think it’s time for a new one.
I’m addicted to many things, and like most people caffeine is one of them. Are they going to outlaw it? They should. It’s a drug.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time I’d gone with out my drug of choice and it was probably a good thing. Something I should do more often.
Despite the headache it caused me yesterday, I managed to make it through until lunchtime today before I just had to have some!
Now I kind of regret it but I should ween myself off slowly really. Cold turkey? Doesn’t really work for me.
I remembered more of my dreams this morning than usual. Perhaps it was a sounder sleep with less caffeine in my body. I particularly enjoyed having a dream where I was Spider-Man.
Sure sometimes I pretend I have his powers when I’m bored walking down the street and letting my mind run wild (doesn’t everyone? hmm maybe not!). But this was a full on dream, including webbing up a makeshift mask like Spidey does in the comics to hide my secret identity.
If I had the body I’d totally cosplay (which probably puts off some of the readers of this blog and excities some others!).
The word on the radio this morning was that Mr Kavalee is single again. I hope that he gets over the breakup well.
And if he ever decides to change his preferences I am still available… Just sayin’ Ed…
I think I may have been mistaken for a straight guy twice in the office lately. Or it could be that, for something with general low self esteem, I do have some weird ego as well.
The first time was pretty unobtrusive and a bit of a stretch. I crossed paths heading, back to my desk, with a guy and girl from a different team. I made a polite smile, so did she. The guy then made a crack to embarrass her which is very in character for that guy. She muttered to him how embarrassed she was with that and it made me wonder why so embarrassed unless she wanted me to have a good opinion of her…
Yeah, it’s a big stretch. But then another incident happened on Friday at farewell drinks at the end of the day.
I was standing around and have a chat to the guy in the office I’m most attracted to (shameless!). A girl came over I’d not met before to introduce herself to me. Hi, yeah, whatever, I’m thinking. The guy left us to chat elsewhere and she didn’t walk away, instead asking me more and more questions about myself. The point is I thought she’d come over to talk to the guy I was talking to… but it seems she left her group of women to come and talk to me.
I’m so not used to some stranger coming over and engaging me like this. She was looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. Maybe this too was all in my head.
It’s just so stupid though that my first instinct with every guy I meet is he’ll never like me. But if any woman talks to me I think she might be interested in me. It doesn’t really make sense.
Why do I think that no one could be interested in chatting to me without an ulterior motive?
While my heart’s still not really in it, I’m meeting up again with the guy from last week. The practice can’t hurt and when I think back to some other guys in my past there wasn’t an initial attraction either. This guy at least is a better chance than many other guys I’ve had a date with.
I don’t want to stop looking elsewhere, and there’s no reason at this stage for me to do that. I just have to keep reminding myself that a second meeting doesn’t mean anything. I need to “chill out” and just see what happens and not let my desperation to “be. in. a. relationship. right. now!” take over.
The search terms that lead people to this blog are always quite interesting to look at. But I’m a little perplexed to find someone was searching for the word “racism” specifically on this blog.
It’s got me wondering why? I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about race or racisim or racists or the like. The search results only return comments on two movies which feature racisim as key aspects of their stories.
There’s a lot of racisim in the online gay personals which one hand is quite off putting but on the otherhand it’s understandable that people have preferences for the looks of their potential partners.
Looks are an important thing to me and I have preferences, but I can’t say I can rule out any whole race, because you never know who you’ll be attracted to. My preference is for curly black hair but that doesn’t mean I never look at any one with blond hair. That would be silly.
Given how impossibly hard is to find a boyfriend, the more options the better!
Hmm, maybe they were looking for this post.
I’m still not sure what’s going on after Sunday’s date. I have been thinking about it a lot but no brilliant flash of inspiration has come to me. Instead I keep trying to hope myself into wanting him more than I do.
So my weekend ahead is rather unplanned. There’s a bunch of stuff I would like to do, money I should probably save instead, and the feeling I should leave myself open for opportunities.
I was going to get my haircut tomorrow night but instead I’m thinking of waiting a week or so longer and doing more exploration of the idea of colouring my hair – for a change, a new look. It’s that or a relapse of Movember next month!
My experience is limited. My knowledge of love is lacking. But after a first date I should feel a bit more excited (Shouldn’t I?). I should be eager to see him again (Shouldn’t I?). I should be thinking about him a lot (Shouldn’t I?).
Not to get me wrong, it went alright, and I don’t dislike him, and I would spend time with him again, but I don’t feel anything stronger that that. Maybe that’s okay, but it is a little disappointing.
My heart should be a’flutter, shouldn’t it?
